SILVER LININGS 2008
September 6
Aegean Room, Waterfront Hotel, Lahug, Cebu City
Speaker : Carla Sison
Topic : Parenting During Cancer
Host  : Maricel Laxa

Mundy: We have a full day ahead of us. I’m Mundy from the Philippine Daily Inquirer. We are hosting this because we have always been supportive of ICanServe’s efforts to support all our brothers and sisters surviving and fighting this very worthwhile cause. So today, this is a very interesting group because it is all about the family. For this morning’s session, our host for today’s session would be Ms. Maricel Laxa–Pangilinan. She is a writer but I won’t say for which publication. She is a well-known film and television personality. She is also very much an authority on parenting which she talks about all the time in TV and print. Her family has not gone through the cancer ordeal but she has a young son, Benjamin, who went through open-heart surgery. She is here to introduce our line of speakers for this morning and in her own way, put some insights also on parenting during the time the family is all trying to support each other during a very difficult situation.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Maricel Laxa.  

MARICEL LAXA: Good morning, maayong buntag.  It is so nice to be here. Lagi kaming nandito sa Cebu. My husband just left this morning and we saw each other in the airport. But I am here with you today because all of you are special to me, special to us. Though just like Mundy said, we did not go through cancer, in the family had gone through a very traumatic experience three years ago. My son had an open-heart surgery. I would say, I am sure like most of you, when you go through an ordeal like cancer or like an open-heart surgery, it would probably be one of the worst things that could happen to you. But I would have to say that it has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to our family. It has gelled us together and made us really one.  

I would like to introduce to you my eldest daughter, Ella. Say hello. The first 39 of you would get the book, “Super Benj” and it has been written through the eyes of Ella. The reason why I wrote it through the eyes of Ate Ella was because all throughout the time we were going through that very painful ordeal, Ate Ella was our anchor. She took care of her siblings and she was strong for them. It was only later one, after the whole surgery experience that she shared with me that she needed rest.  All of us need rest after a tiring time and traumatic experience.  Kaya nga may silver linings di ba? Because you could have hope like all of us. Parenting is difficult. Ako, parenting a sick child was difficult for me. Kayo, parenting, lalo na if you are the one who is sick, is extremely difficult.  

How do you parent when you have cancer? How do you effectively go through treatment while parenting your children?  How do the children deal with a parent who has a cancer? Hindi po madali iyon. Those are not easy circumstances.  But it can be done. So, we will hear from those people who will share with us how it can be done. But before that, I think Ella is ready to give you the books, okay? Thank you very much.  You can share it with your children. It is a true story.  

So, today, we have with us, a parent, Dr. Honey Carandang. She is my idol. I am her fan. She is “the” expert and another parent, Carla Paras–Sison.  

Carla Paras-Sison: Good morning, maayong buntag. It is my first time in Cebu and thank you for the very, very warm welcome. My name is Carla Sison. I am with the IcanServe Foundation. I actually volunteer for their Media and Information Committee. I do public relations and writing stuff. But now, I would speak to you about parenting during cancer because I was a parent when I was diagnosed with a cancer. Apparently, Kara believed that I could share something useful to all of you.  

For starters, of course, if there are parents, there would be children and that would make a family. I would like to introduce you to our family. These are the 4 Sisons of Antipolo City. This was taken on New Year’s Day or eve of the year I was diagnosed. I was diagnosed in 2004. See, may mga torotot pa kami. This is of May of the same year. Ang mga anak ko dahil taga bundok kami sa Antipolo. They could only go to the mall when we need to shop for their school clothes or shoes. This was May of 2004 before I was diagnosed. This was June of 2004, before school opened. Nag one last outing kami. You can see how funny my kids can be. At this time, my son is already 9 and his sister was 5 years old. 

I was diagnosed in August 2004. I was 35 years old. The children were 9 and 5 years old. In October, we were in Boracay because our company had a company outing. Medyo nagtitipid ang company kaya kelangan off season kung kelan mabagyo. We went to Boracay. I was able to bring the children. I was already undergoing chemotherapy. My husband was with us. Si Mama isa na lang ang suso, nag-bathing suit pa. I underwent chemotherapy and radiotherapy. This was taken February 2005. I was about to finish my radiation. Bra-less ako diyan kasi di ba radiation, medyo sensitive ang skin. So we went to visit my brother-in-law, kapatid ng husband ko.  

March of 2005, siyempre, Dana was already 5 years old. There was a culminating activity for Kinder 2. We went to her culminating activity. Then, ayan, tumutubo na ulit ang buhok ko. Post chemotherapy na. Tapos na ang treatment.  Summer of 2005, nag-outing kami ulit. Yun lang naman ang time mag-outing.  

Avon Walk 2005, October. Those are all my I Can Serve sisters. As you can see, my two children always tag along. Kung asan si Mama, they always want to be with Mama. All the “breast friends” of Mama. This is Avon Walk. We had breakfast in Pancake House. The Avon Walk was on Ayala Avenue in Makati.

This was the following year, 2006. Easter 2006. We were in the mall. Nag face paint ang mga bata – 2006. Then June of 2006, formal picture taking. Mga gimmick ng mga pamilya. Ok, fast forward ng March 2007, my son who was only 9 when I got sick, graduated from elementary school. He was 12 years old at this time. This is my own graduation, April of 2007, I finished my MBA in U.P. And this was just last May 2008, we were in Bohol. Again, company outing, every two years lang iyon e and this was in Bohol Bee Farm. 

Ok, we go now to the topic: “Challenges of Parenting.”  Why did I show you all those pictures? Because I want to show you that all the basic activities of a family that you do together, like you go to the movies, go to the mall. You go outing when you have a little money although it is not that often – like once a year lang or pag may office outing, kasi salary deduction. These are the things we want to continue doing even when we are sick. You saw that in Boracay, I was “kalbo”.  We went to a family day or a graduation na “kalbo”.  It is your duty as a mother to be there for your children kahit na ano pang itsura mo. 

So the first challenge that we had as parents was whether to tell or not to tell.  There are those who think that they should not tell their children. They think that we should spare them from the trauma, that they are so young. They might not understand. They might worry, they might have nightmares. So, I guess, it depends on the ages of the children. For my children, they were 9 and 5. My husband and I decided that they were old enough to understand what was happening. That we won’t have any secrets from them because we want to be involved in my recovery. Otherwise, they might resent it. I have 2 short anecdotes. I have a half sister. Their mother died of breast cancer. My father remarried and that woman became my mother. So my half sister was telling me, “Papa or Daddy, never told us that Mom was sick.” We knew that she was sick but we did not know it was cancer. We did not know it was terminal.” They felt so robbed of the short time they had with their mother. My cancer was diagnosed at Stage 3C. It was very advanced.  She was telling me that if are any risks that you are going to die, you better tell your children because they will resent you for not telling them. That was what they felt toward their Mom, toward our parents because they were not informed.  

I have another friend, she is a member of the I Can Serve E-group. Her child was 3 years old. She felt that there is no way this little child can understand what she is going through so they just kept quiet. They instructed all the maids and relatives to not talk anything about cancer in front of the child. This was 2 years ago. Now the child is already 5 years old and the mother has finished her Herceptin therapy for about a year and a half. She was celebrating dinner with her husband and then suddenly her 5 year old little girl says, “Mama, tapos na iyong cancer mo?” She was so shocked and teary eyed because for these last two years nobody ever talked to that child about cancer but she knew.  She was 3 going on 5. She knew. She knew that her Mom had cancer.  

It is a decision that a couple should make. It is always good if you could agree on being consistent. Once you decide to tell, you tell. Once you decide not to tell, don’t tell. I don’t know how you would do it because I did not do it that way.  

The second challenge is to give assurance to the children especially for those with ages like my kids. There is a study which we are going to give out to you later – children from 7 to 12 are prone to blaming themselves. They feel guilty. They feel that they caused their mother’s cancer. It is something they said or did, kasi nag-aaway sila. The challenge is to give them assurance that “it is not your fault that I had cancer.” I know of someone who was complaining that her mom was emotionally blackmailing them. Saying things like, “Sige mag-away pa kayo, kaya ako nagka-cancer.” We don’t want to do that to young children. First, they will get hurt. Second, it is not true. It is going to spread misinformation. Although stress is one of the high risk factors which could trigger some cancers, it is still misinformation to tell the child that she caused your cancer. It is normal for children to have misunderstandings especially at those ages – very young, you know like sibling rivalry. The challenge is to give them assurance that it is not anything they did and it’s not because of them. We don’t know what caused it.  But you have to deal with it as a family.  

Here is an example of using age-appropriate language because you cannot talk to a 15 year old the same way you would do to a 5 year old.  As parents, I know, if you have differently aged children, you speak to them in different ways.  

How I dealt with my children’s questions and fears?

I emailed my friends and co-survivors from the I Can Serve E-group. I researched the internet for information about my cancer. The children will always ask.  “Why, why did you get sick?” Of course, we don’t know. You have to help them. I told them that I don’t know the real answer but this is what I read. I blog. I ask my friends what should I tell my daughter, what should I tell my son. But in the end, I just let them soak in it. Soak in their fears. Soak in their own questions.  I also had my fears. I also had my questions. There was a point I decided that I had to handle myself first before I can think about what they are going through. On their own, I trusted that once I settle myself, they are going to settle themselves also. They would find out because we are open to them. I am happy with my children because they could articulate and tell me if they are afraid or feeling bad and we can talk about it. Sometimes just talking about it is already a big help. So, that’s how I dealt with them. I let them soak in their fears.  

How parenting has changed since cancer? How has my partnership with my husband as co-parent changed? 

We are fortunate that me and my husband, even before the start of our marriage, we were more or less or co-equal branches of government. For me, little has changed. For many of you, I know the husband or spouse with no cancer is expected to step up and play a bigger role. But then again even if that is the expectation, from what I have seen, little would change. I mean, how it was before is how it will be during and after. That’s what happened to me. My husband and I always shared parenting duties. Usually, I go with the elder one and he goes with the younger one. It still worked that way during the time I had cancer. Except that, of course, I cannot drive. I felt guilty for not doing the things I used to do for them. That’s when my husband stepped in. He would drive for them. He would attend to PTA meetings because I couldn’t go.  

Family dynamics when Mom is sick:

There are insecurities among the children because they always fear that you are going to die soon. What will happen to us? Would we be put up for adoption? My daughter gave me a birthday card and she said, “Thank you for not putting us in an orphanage.” That is their main fear: to lose you. Of course, your personal fear is: “I don’t want to leave my children.” My children experienced crying spells. They cry for no reason. I would ask them, “Why are you crying?” “I don’t know I just feel like crying.” Okay, that is fine. At least, they know that you are concerned about their feelings. They worry about their future. Can they still go to school when Mama dies? Because we talked about it so often, my daughter who was 5 or 6 years old when I was going through treatment, she thought my death was imminent. She kept on asking me, “Mama, kelan ka ba mamamatay?” Nainip na kasi we were always talking about it.  She became so well adjusted. “Okay, all I want is if you die, I should be there.”  She wanted me to call her when I die. I think we went to the extremes that she could already imagine life without Mama because we kept on being open on what is happening and about the progress of the treatment. Now, she is so disappointed (I did not die---just kidding). She’s not. She is very happy. Of course, on the practical side, if you have older children like in my case, my son--they have a four year gap, he is now the one checking the homework of the younger kid especially if you are in the hospital or sometimes, you are just tired and just want to sleep. You make bilin. “Gino, please check your sister’s homework. Tell Papa about the etc. That is the practical side. 

In the end, I guess, the important thing is to expect less from the mother. So if you are so used to cooking for them, preparing their breakfast and lunch, you have to condition them that you cannot do that anymore or not now. If they expect less from you, there is less stress for you and you could focus on getting well. For me, they didn’t expect me to do much for them anymore. After a few times, I could not go to this event or tournament that they are joining etc. They got used to me not being there anymore. Of course, it is a pleasant surprise if I make it.  

Persons who helped me continue my role as a mother:

Of course, number one is my husband. Then, our faithful yaya who just left us two weeks ago because she had to move to my sister who is going to Saudi Arabia.  So now, my husband is the yayo. The other survivors of the I Can Serve E-group who played badminton with me and went out to lunch with me. In the I Can Serve, we have one get-together where we invite the children and families. This really proved to be reassuring for my children because they knew they weren’t different from other children. It is very hard for children to stand out.  They don’t want to be the focus of the attention. They just want to blend. So, if they see that her mother also has cancer like my mother, then they feel that they belong in some place and they are not so insecure. Ay, ordinary lang pala ang cancer. Many children have mothers who have cancer.  In fact, there was one meeting that they met children leukemia patients. I Can Serve volunteer member, Tina Gutierrez, she invited the National Children’s Hospital – Cancer Children’s ward to her home in Sta. Rosa, Laguna in an outing. I brought my children too. It is just making cancer ordinary to them. “Hey, they are also undergoing chemo and bald like my Mom.” Their hearts really go out to these children with the same ages like 9 or 8.  

What these experiences instilled in the children: first is compassion for those people who are undergoing treatment, and of course understanding that there are a lot difficult things in this world that we cannot explain. When we got home from this particular outing, they would ask, “Why do they have cancer of the blood or leukemia? They are so young.” You can talk about the incidence, it just happens. Sometimes, it is inherited. The point is you tell them that whatever challenge comes whether it is sickness, low grades, accidents, whatever, there is a way to get over it. Look at these children, they are 4 years old and are dependent on donations, public funds to support their treatment and they are alive and happy. The time we spent with them giving them happiness – they really felt good about that and they are now I Can Serve volunteers.  

Lessons…

First, Trust that all will be well. I always hear this that you cannot give what you do not have. We know that for most Filipino families, we mothers are the source of strength. If you are rattled or stressed, don’t know what to do or mainit ang ulo mo, how can they depend on you. If you are still in denial, you have to be frank about it and ask the help of your children to help you accept. Tell them you are still grappling with this issue, that you don’t know what to do. I think they will appreciate that, at least for the age of my children because that’s what happened. 

Second, Ask for help. No man is an island. If you do not have a partner, find a sibling, a friend, officemate or neighbor or someone you could talk to, someone you could discuss your fears with. You have to make yourself okay first before you could think of your children. Asking for help does not make us less of a person. Sometimes, yung iba nahihiya. So embarrassing. Nakakahiya, mang-iistorbo. Nakakahiya sa HR to ask for counseling, nakakaistorbo, baka sabihin I am asking for special treatment. No. It does not make you less of a person. It adds to your resources so that you could focus on healing. If you don’t ask for help, you don’t know what is available there. It’s okay if they don’t help you, you go ask somebody else.  The most important thing is you have to focus. You have to get well. By any means like begging or borrowing, just do it because your primary objective is to live and be a parent to your children, and so that you could continue being so until you are a grandparent.  

Third, Plan for the worst. Hope for the best. Me, my cancer became stage 4 the following year and spread to other parts of my body. I had another 6 cycles of chemotherapy in addition to the 6 I already had the previous year. I bought a memorial lot. I updated my insurance. I don’t have an educational plan because it is so expensive but at least I tried to pare down my credit card debt. Just the practical things. You don’t know what will happen. You can go out and your plane may crash. Anything can happen but if you are prepared, you can leave guilt-free. Your conscience will be clear but at the same time, hope for the best. Always put your best foot forward. Always look forward and live with a joyful attitude because that also helps. Cancer cannot exist in a joyful person or in a joyful soul. Kill your cancer with joy.  

Last, Conquer your fear daily.  It’s not because I am here before you. Wow, she is so courageous she went through stage 4 cancer. That’s how it looks but everyday I have to get up… this morning, when Pinky Marquez sang a song for the opening. My God, my tears were all over the place. Opening pa lang naiiyak na ako. That’s life and you are their hope and inspiration. If you conquer your fear daily and you show them that Mama is also afraid sometimes, if she has to go for an x-ray or ct-scan, there would always be butterflies in my stomach. You are human. That is okay. They understand that. But every time you go through it, hey, it’s a good result, it is not always so good. They appreciate you all the more. So I am telling you that the daily struggle to be a good parent is just as it is to be a good person. When you say you are courageous, you are just courageous for that moment. Later on, you are down again. Masama na naman ang mood mo.  You are stressed again but then after you rest, you can come back right up. Just struggle daily and you will be well. Thank you. 

Ms. Laxa: Thank you very much, Carla. It was indeed an eye opener. I know many of us find it very inspiring. Na-inspire ba kayo? Raise your right hand, please. Tap the person to your right and say, “Humingi ka ng tulong.” Raise your left hand and tap the person to your left and say, “Ako muna ang tulungan mo.” As parents, we want to be strong for our children lalo na kung tayo ang maysakit.  Hindi natin aaminin na may sakit tayo. Gusto natin strong tayo. I remember that time when that happened to my son, very strong ako. Tapos right after the surgery, uuwi na kami, everything was successful, naumpog ako at bigla akong nagsisigaw at umiyak.  Sabi ni Anthony, “What’s wrong with you?” “I don’t know.” Yun pala meron akong post traumatic stress syndrome na. Hindi ko nailabas lahat na kinikimkim na sakit. We really need to ask help and you know one thing I have learned about that traumatic situation is that we need to allow ourselves time to grieve. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve. And as we grieve, let’s ask for help. Thank you very much, Carla.